you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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