i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
there was a trapeze. enough said
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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