If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
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I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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