he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
