I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
