I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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