Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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