I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
