I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
