You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
