I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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