I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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