I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
