There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
