You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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