girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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