I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
