I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
