he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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