i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
