Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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