I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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