you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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