I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
