the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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