I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
