Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
