what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
