It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
