How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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