You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
