Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
