I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
