who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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