**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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