DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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