JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
