dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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