Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
