OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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