guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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