I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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