My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
not ubering you a puppy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
