my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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