found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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