Just took my morning after pill in the library
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
