You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
