So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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