You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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