So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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