Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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