please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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