Can i not drive my cunt home
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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