I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
