u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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